1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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