Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
