May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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