I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize