party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
