You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
