my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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