I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
