my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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