He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
