So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize