I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
