I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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