i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
