After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
