Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
