yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
