I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
