I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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