she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
