LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize