I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The power of my boobs compel you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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