I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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