Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
