when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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