South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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