If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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