dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
