i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
