I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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