No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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