I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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