I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
