My underwear smells like fireworks.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
