i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
