I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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