This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
