I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
