for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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