She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
