Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
