after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
