just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
