I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
