Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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