You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
