This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
