I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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