When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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