My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
