The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
