You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
