Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
someone owes me an orgasm
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
