This is not my ceiling
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
