I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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