Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
