operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
