i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
