I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
