i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
